Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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