i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
