you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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