I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
