What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
They are going to name an STD after you.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
