ya dads aren't the best wingmen
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
