She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
