Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
