Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
