This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
