Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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