Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
