new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
