i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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