I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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