you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you win again, gameday.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
