There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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