The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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