I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
