I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
