You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
