Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
