Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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