she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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