I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
