Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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