the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
