next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
