Apparently you make a good broom.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize