turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
