is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
