the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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