Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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