If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
