i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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