i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
