apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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