am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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