nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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