Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
