I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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