There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
