Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My dick has a subreddit
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
