I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
