When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
