even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
