my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
