if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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