The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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