i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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