I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
