I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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