My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
