Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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